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The past is a good place to visit, but certainly not a good place to stay.”
If you could have any superpower out of all the superpowers, which one would you choose to have for the rest of your life? My choice comes with no hesitation. I choose healing as my superpower.
I’ve been so focused on trying not to write about “depressing” topics but the truth is, I started B.E.E. to share my struggles. Of how I am “conquering” and becoming stronger through my experiences and how I’ve climbed out of my personal hell. It’s always been my wish to reach out in someway and help others through their hardships. To help someone see the bright side beyond the darkness that eats at their soul. It’s been my hope that I could someday reach out to at least one person, and maybe, just maybe, help them see that they’re not alone. That no matter how ugly things are, you are worth something and should not compromise yourself or your happiness. I did, and it almost cost me my life.
Putting myself out there, even laying the darkest of the dark and unimaginable right out here on the line for your eyes to gaze upon, it’s hard to do! But it’s worth it, because I want you to be happy. To live your life seeing that you’re worth more than you might believe at the time. We’re all in this together. Judge if you dare, but in my opinion ‘life is really best lived when your mind is wide open, curious and not judgmental.’ So instead of trying to force what I was attempting to write in this blog for the past week, I’ve decided to put it all on the back burner and just free my mind of this ultimate writers block.
It’s the new year, I’m doing my thing, working out and eating the healthier foods that I crave. I have a map of my goals and dreams, and have managed to drop 6 pounds in my first week of this brand spanking new chapter of my life. I am feeling more determined than I was prior to this special occasion.
I’ve fought depression all of my life. Never knowing it was depression until I was an adult. I will say that I believe depression is learned behavior. Since I’ve become aware of this my sad spells have decreased immensely, but I still get in these funks. Ones which we are all guilty of participating in from time to time. The trick is to acknowledge how you feel, grieve however you must, get back up and walk on! It is easier said than done, no doubt, but can be done the instant you decide to change, the choice is only yours.
I have this thing I do. I give the people who I feel have done me wrong these pesky little things called second chances. Third chances, shit, even fourth chances! And so goes the cycle, you get it. My inner voice screams, “don’t do it!” But I have a habit of hoping someone can change for the better, even though they’ve repeatedly shown me for quite a bit of time that they won’t. Let’s face the music and admit that a second chance doesn’t mean anything if the party in question learned nothing from the first one.
These particular folk have caused countless tears, and provided lessons that have knocked me to the ground – all while leaving me wondering as to how anyone could ever be so inhumane in their treatment of me. Treat others how you wish to be treated!
Recently I had someone come back into my life, apologizing an entire year later for their previous actions. It was very much appreciated, yet I still stayed guarded, with an open mind of course and gave them a second chance. Curious to see what sort of actions letting this person in would generate and seeing if their word was true. Turns out that even though they may very well have been genuine with their intent and apology, they hadn’t learned enough from their first mistake. This particular occurrence is child’s play compared to the other big leaguers in my life, but I still allowed it to happen. To let this person into my life again. By giving this person the benefit of the doubt. I do believe everyone deserves a second go around at whatever it is they’re pleading for, however, I only feel it’s possible to do so to a limited extent now. When someone affects your life so deeply and your happiness is compromised because of it – why give them a second chance? They shouldn’t have hurt you and taken you for granted in the first place. Sure, love, or whatever it may be, is worth all that you’ve got, even just to experience it once more. But you’re worth so much more than that and you better believe it because you are. To truly forgive isn’t easy. But forgiving doesn’t mean letting that person dictate your emotions any longer. To give yourself permission to be set free of that emotional pain. Forgiveness is part of the healing process and once you have arrived at this destination it doesn’t mean, by any means, that you are obligated to allow them back into your life. You have a choice to accept their apology and then to keep them at an arms length or not to let them back into your bubble at all.
If you can’t respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you?
I’ve decided that if you decide to walk out of my life, in whatever haste, that I’m over you. It’s your loss and “nobody puts baby in a corner”.
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